Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
