I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
