Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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