Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
