Pants 0. Shit 1.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
