cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
