meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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