they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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