Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
