I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
