on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
