his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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