i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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