good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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