I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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