lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
