Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
