woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
