all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
