it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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