Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
