Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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