you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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