i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
