Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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