Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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