I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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