I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
