one two three fourrrrnication!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
