I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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