We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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