Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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