So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize