I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
