she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
