I heard we made out
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
