i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
