Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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