I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
