She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
