worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
