I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize