my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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