dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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