oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
