Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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