then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
