Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
