I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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