The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
