wakey wakey hands off snakey
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
