home. puking in laundry basket.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
