my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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