dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
