I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
