I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
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