I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
