dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize