How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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