Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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