youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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