At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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