so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
