Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize