I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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