Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize